Monday, August 08, 2005

Purple People Madness!



So I just found out that people actually read this site. Might as well keep going at it.


I've lived in the east bay for at least one hundred years or so. I've done everything, seen everything, and experienced everything on this side of the bay......OR SO I THOUGHT.

I'm about to take my dogs to the dog park so they can go kick every other dog's ass. Then Billy Big Balls bursts into the house with a pretty crazy story. "You ever hear of the Purple People?" he says. I say no.

I guess Billy and one of his friends were driving down to Pleasant Hill from Lafayette when they took a wrong turn somewhere. They find themselves stuck in this narrow road with no room to turn around. They keep driving forward for a few yards until they reach a gated compound, complete with guards and barbed wire fence. If that isn't creepy enough, everything is painted purple. Even the guard is sitting in this purple guard house wearing a purple shirt.

At first I think Billy's story is bullshit. Pleasant Hill is too tame to have secret military compounds controlled by militant nut cases dressed in purple garbs. But Billy assures me this place is real. After I take the dogs to do their thing, we load up in my kick ass whip (94 Maxima!) and drive down to Pleasant Hill. We take the turn off and drive down the narrow road. Lo and behold, we get to a fuckin purple compound complete with a purple guard house with a guard wearing a purple shirt taking down our license plate with a purple crayola. The barbed wire gate is open and we see a couple of people dressed in nothing but purple. These sonsofbitches are giving us the nastiest stink eye I've ever gotten in my life. After sitting there for a few minutes, our curiosity finally wears off and we back out of there as fast as we can because these purple people look like their in the mood for sacrificing infidels.

We get back home and start researching/googling these Purple People. We spend a good two hours searching the internets for any kind of information on these dudes but we can't find anything. NOTHING! We're just assuming it's just some kind of sex cult. I mean they did have some kind of phallic icon hanging above the guard tower.

That night was Billy Big Balls third encounter with the purple people. A week or so before, Billy Big Balls and three other friends drive over to the compound in a big juicy white van. They back the van down the narrow road, open up the back doors and begin to paintball the compound. Five or six purple bonzai rush the van but are mowed down in a hail of red paintballs. Now you may think Billy Big Balls and his friends are a bunch of assholes for attacking the Purple People (and they probably are), but these Purple People are no pacifist hippy organic bean farmers. The guard was armed with shotgun, and unlike your average hippy commune, the place is encompassed in razor wire. It looked more like army barracks than anything else.

But other than paintballing the place (which is not a clever thing to do, in fact it's pretty fucking stupid), there are plenty of other pranks to play against the Purple People. My plan is to gather 50 people, dress in green clothes, bring us some pitchforks and torches and mob down to the Purple People compound, demanding that they submit to our true god the Jolly Green Giant or face total annihilation. Once they refuse our one true god, we bring out some loud speakers and play R. Kelly's coming out of the closet song (all chapters) until they submit.

Now in the small chance of a Purple Person reading my blog, let me give you some advice. If you don't want little shits such as myself always giving you a hard time, you should share a little bit about your cult with the outside world. I mean shit, even those Hale Bop comet worshipper/suicides gave the newspapers interviews.

11 Comments:

At 3:18 PM, Anonymous bill said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:28 AM, Anonymous V said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Reverend Pujo said...

Sorry guys, I don't want the address on the internet.

 
At 3:25 AM, Blogger alchemistgeorge said...

Interesting but contains numerous errors - I lived there for three years. Part of the property is bordered by EBMUD land where cattle are grazed, the EBMUD land is surrounded by barbed wire. There is no razor wire, and no shotguns.

The only thing hanging over the front gate is the American flag.

Very few people in the community wear purple.

People in the community value their privacy.

 
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