My hallucinations are more creative than George Lucas's crap.

I got a problem with sleep. Every couple of weeks or so, I go through a crazy episode where my head doesn't shut up. No one can sleep with a head that talks as much as an over-excited obnoxious high-school drama club student (that's right, I'm dissing you fuckers!). After the fifth straight day without sleep, I start seeing all kinds of crazy shit, like motion trails, goblins, G. Gordon Liddy, Tongans, etc. If there is one advantage to this sleep disorder, it gives me all kinds of creative super powers.

Two weeks ago was one of those sleepless weeks. I was four days into it and had just watched the new "Return of the Jedi" DVD that has the new shit-magician Darth Vader edited into it at the end. I'm lying on my sleeping board, trying to remember the plot of Episode I and II so that I could be pissed at it. Instead, my head conjures up an almost completely different movie that begins to play in front of me. It's intense! It's trill! It's a force undominated! If it was really a movie and not a sleep-deprived hallucination, it would win all kinds of awards. Best of all, it would be rated R, so I wouldn't have to cater to the little shits that want toy lightsabers. What amazes me is how much more awesome my Star Wars hallucinations are than George Lucas's shit.

PUJO PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS: STAR FUCKIN' WARS
Episode I - The Bad Guys Get Served
Episode II - Dr. Mojo Risin'
Epidsode III - Yoda Don't Give a Fuck

Here's what makes my Star Wars idea so much better than George Lucas:

1. DARTH MAUL DOESN'T FUCKIN DIE AFTER THREE MINUTES OF SCREEN TIME - That's right. Darth Maul could have been the dominant force if George Lucas knew about character development. In my movie, Darth Maul is the main bad guy for the first two films, and he does a lot more than give the stink eye to Obi Wan. He has dialogue. He fucks around with people. He plays mind games with his enemies because that's what a bad guy is supposed to do. Nasty tattoos, horns, and double lightsabers will only get you so far. My Darth Maul has a personal grudge against Obi Wan’s teacher, a grudge going back to their college days, so any time these two fight, its intense as hell.

2. QUI GON JINN IS AN ALIEN WITH ANGER PROBLEMS – In my trippy trip, I didn’t see Qui Gon Jinn as a gangly wuss Irishman with girl hair. In my trip, Qui Gon Jinn is an alien that looks like a cross between a dinosaur and a silver back gorilla, plus his skin is pale blue. And unlike George Lucas’s bullshit movie, he has a history (again, the importance of character development). Sorry if I start sounding nerdy here, but this is a good plot. Jinn’s species has an unique way of dealing with danger. Any time they are under duress, they bulge up and go fuckin apeshit, kind of like Hulk only not so big. Jinn has to deal with this problem throughout the first two films, and sometimes he loses it. In the second episode, Jabba the Fuck throws him into the Rancor pit. Jinn doesn’t use any of that weak shit Jedi cunning to kill the monster. He just let’s himself go nuts and kills the Rancor WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!! Tell me that isn’t cool. Oh yeah, Qui Gon would be played by none other than Ving Rhames.

3. DARTH VADER VS. DARTH MAUL – What better way to slip into the Dark Side than by killing your master’s murderer in a fit of rage?

4. YODA = SHAFT IN AFRICA – A jedi like Yoda doesn’t need a lightsaber. All he needs is a stick and shitty robes. I figure since he’s such an accomplished dude in the jedi ranks, he only needs his stick and the force to win a fight. It’s awesome to see this little dude schooling all these bad dudes with lightsabers when all he’s got is a twig he uses to scratch his dirty green ass.

I could go into a lot more detail about my Star Wars trilogy but it’s starting to sound like one of those stupid internet fan fictions made by pathetic Star Wars groupies. All I can say is that my hallucination was 100X better than George Lucas’s original crap. Someone should hire me to make this shit.